Lil Hot Mama
by Sirena0944
Summary: The chaos is half the fun. E/P/H pairing.
1. Chapter 1

Parker was used to sleeping in a cold bed. That was no different as she rolled over onto her stomach, inhaling Eliot's scent from his abandoned pillow, clutching it underneath her. The other alternative was to be roughly poked in the ribs or kicked unconsciously by Hardison for inching too close once he was out for the night, something he repeatedly denied ever doing. Not wanting to get up, she had to pee and she was starving, despite whatever ungodly hour it was.

Wrapping herself in one of Eliot's flannel shirts to fend off the late night chill, she saw the living room lamp on and he was on the couch reading a book, already dressed for the next day in a tshirt and jeans. No one needed to be dressed at this hour, whenever it was since she hadn't looked at a clock yet and didn't care, but this was Eliot. Parker decided not to rummage through the kitchen and instead perched on the opposite arm of the couch, watching him silently.

"What do you need, darlin'?"

Damn, she was losing at her game. Bare feet on icy hardwood should have only helped with her stealth. But she never forgot he was once a sniper in a former life, so of course he would notice her movements, regardless of how engrossing his book was, not looking up at her.

"French toast. Red Velvet."

He was staring now with a raised brow. "Seriously?" He didn't know what was worse: the fact that she wanted chocolate in the middle of the night, though she would be supervised, not that it made any difference in the long run, or a request for chocolate French toast. Where did she come up with these things anyway?

"There was a recipe in the paper last week that I cut out before Nate started on his puzzles. I don't think he noticed." As though that was perfectly normal for anyone besides her.

Eliot's raised brow gave way to his "there's something wrong with you" glare. Parker had been starting to miss that as of late. Tossing the book onto the end table, he leaned down to grab his boots to pull them on, growling something unintelligible under his breath. Seeing that she was still sitting on the arm, he quietly barked at her, "Get dressed!"

With a big grin, she retreated to the bedroom, emerging a few short minutes later in her favorite black leggings and a black flowy top that looked more like something Sophie would wear, but it was cute on her.

Bouncing into the kitchen, Parker snatched the recipe out from under the magnet on the fridge. How he had missed that, he didn't know. She was still full of surprises every day, no matter how long he had known her by now.

#####

Eliot rolled his eyes as Parker proudly flashed him the mint and raspberry M&Ms she had lifted from the candy aisle at the Thriftway. Fred Meyer was his preference, given the choices in town, but he had to make due since they weren't a 24 hour store. He didn't recall her being gone from his side for any period of time, nor did he have any clue where she managed to hide them in her clothes, but he knew better than to ask.

What was up with the whole red velvet trend anyway? Hailing from the South, he understood and appreciated the cake as a staple, as well as being the final project in his home ec class that last year of high school when he was 16 before he ran away and lied about his age to join the army. But the other concoctions, between Parker's addicted ramblings and snippets of the Cooking Channel, he could not comprehend in the least. There's a reason you don't go out of your way to fuck up a good thing.

Sliding into the passenger seat of his Challenger, Parker asked with a puckered pout, "Can we stop at Burgerville on the way home?"

She was impossible. And clearly turned on by that glare he flashed her way, "No. You said you wanted French toast which is why we came here."

"Oh, well I want that too."

He found himself pulling out of the drive thru of Portland's burger chain as daylight was starting to break and Parker made fast work of her snack, while dancing in her seat to the country station on the radio, which was more like squirming with the seatbelt and bag of food attempting to immobilize her too much. The onion rings smelled good, which he knew they were as he snatched one from the bag for himself before they all disappeared. But out of the corner of his eye, he threw up a little in his mouth as she started dipping them in her chocolate shake, munching happily with a soft moan.

"Really?!"

######

Eliot had to admit that the breakfast wasn't half bad, though not his first choice, washing down the last bites of pure sugar with his black coffee.

Even Hardison allowed himself to break away from his early morning World of Warcraft raid, setting the laptop on the kitchen island, to eat whatever it was that smelled so good. Though he wasn't sure Eliot was in his right mind by permitting the chocolate in the house.

Turning to refill his coffee, Eliot mentioned, "Oh, don't forget she has a doctor's appointment in three hours. Your turn to go."

The hacker froze, eyes widening as he started to sputter. That was going to be a nightmare: a doctor's office full of hormonal women off their rockers, and adding Parker to the mix when she hated health care facilities in general.

"Rock Paper Scissors?"

"Nah, man, I…I'll go." Hardison still hadn't figured out what his alleged tell was. "But you'll pay for this. I'll figure out something."

The hitter smiled broadly. He was looking forward to it. Let the other man deal with the sugar crash and burn.


	2. Chapter 2

This came to me during a crazy night at work. Thank God for Youtube and dvds since I have to work on the nights the show airs so I don't get to see it anymore otherwise.

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The morning started out insane and went downhill from there. Eliot had every intention of spending the day on the lake with his girl. No better time to start them on fresh air than the present. Baby strapped to his chest in her cotton shoulder sling, and fishing pole in hand, he was nearing fifty feet from the front doors of the brewpub when some random person came running over to him.

"Chef! Thank God you're still here!" Eliot narrowed his eyes, barely visible under the edge of his black fleece skullcap. Who were these people again? His gaze flicked to her nametag: "Ashley" and then up to her obviously fake Dr Pepper colored hair. Not to mention, she didn't even look old enough to be serving alcohol anywhere. That's one bad thing about getting older: the kids get younger. Forcing a tight-lipped smile with unnaturally wide eyes, he dared her to continue. "Um…" Good, she was caught off guard. "Uh yeah, we're down to one chef today if you can't stay and there's usually three. He's already swamped."

Squeezing his eyes shut as he pinched the bridge of his nose, he could feel a headache coming on. The one free day lately when they didn't have a con in the works, this was not how Eliot planned to spend his vacation. He could walk away but he had already taken it upon himself to keep Hardison's pet project afloat by whatever means necessary.

Taking note of his reaction, Ashley cringed and stepped backward. "Sorry?"

He just snarled, making her retreat even further as he stormed toward the kitchen, still gripping the pole with white knuckles.

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"…Daddy's gonna lift you a diamond ring…" singing softly but not loud enough to attract attention from customers.

Sliding the last plate of fish and chips onto the counter that he stared longingly at, knowing he wouldn't be having any fresh catch for supper, Eliot was accosted yet again. This time by a different girl who actually appeared to be of legal age, barely.

"Those aren't the words."

He flashed a glare in her direction, muttering "Something wrong with you."

She was fascinated by the fact that Big Scary Guy's lips never moved from the pursed thin line they were set in while threatening her.

"Aww, she's cute! What's her name?"

"Winter," was the growled response. Shaking his head and tensing his shoulders in frustration, "What now?"

"Interview, table six." This one was quicker on her feet and didn't intimidate as easily.

"Five minutes. Coke on the house while they wait." Washing his hands quickly, Eliot found a bottle, in the fridge that was reserved separately for the team's purposes, that he heated up in the microwave before tracking down the other waitress. He knew the kitchen intimately but the front of the house was still a mystery so he had no idea how the tables were identified.

The interview was a success and he hired the young man on the spot. The formalities of paperwork would have to wait for another day with someone more experienced, and who knew where anything was in the brewpub's office. He'd have to see about advertising for backup chefs as soon as possible to avoid another similar situation.

Getting up from the table to head back to work in the kitchen, Eliot was once again cornered by Dr Pepper girl, Ashley. "Someone from the health department is here to do a random inspection." Where the hell was the manager? That was his job, not Eliot's. Seeing as he had no choice, he greeted the brusque middle-aged woman as coolly and professionally as though she were any mark. Before they started their tour, she eyed the sleeping baby with disdain, her cool gaze flickering up to him, which he chose to ignore. He definitely needed a drink soon.

The dinner rush came and went, which Eliot decided to stick around for, as he was enjoying himself despite the insanity. The day was mostly over and the lake outing would have to be postponed, but he could live with that. It wasn't anything new really. He grabbed the fishing pole from the corner of the kitchen, returning it to the apartment upstairs.

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Eliot almost couldn't believe he was sitting here yet again. The only reason he caved was Hardison agreed to hire a lot more people downstairs. That's what he told himself anyway but they all knew otherwise. The coffee table was moved across the living room to make way for camping chairs and a cooler. At some point, a pizza had wandered in, more than likely Parker's doing since a quarter was already missing. It wasn't fish but it would do. The one giant screen was plenty, no need for the six in Nate's old apartment when they did this the first time. Looking over at Hardison who was having too much fun, he rolled his eyes and took another swig of beer, as a smile threatened to cross his lips.


	3. Chapter 3

Date night during a con was generally considered by all parties to be a great way to keep each other sane, although Hardison had his doubts about this one. Particularly when he found himself shoved in the back with the heel of Parker's hand. Stumbling forward into the doorway, he caught his footing as he paused to allow his eyes to adjust to the dimly lit room. Deafening music assaulted them as well, as she guided him to the small table just next to the stage-side seating where Eliot was already trying to charm the panties off a waitress whose dress was too short and too low cut. Good, that meant she wouldn't have to part with her own money.

Theirs was an interesting relationship to say the least. Neither she nor Eliot had ever really been the monogamous type, but yet they always found their way back to each other. He didn't "do" men, preferring most things in a tight skirt, and Parker was very clearly bisexual, but between both of them, the one night stands tapered off to nothing when Hardison came along. What started out as innocent flirting and kissing as part of any given job had snowballed from there.

It wasn't a normal Valentine's Day by anyone's standards, but normal was overrated. "That's gonna have you on your ass in the morning. Nate won't be happy," she pointed with her pinky at Hardison's frozen Blue Hawaiian, complete with girly umbrella, while licking the pico de gallo juice off her fingers from the plate of carne asada tacos in front of them.

"Gotta start off slow before moving up to the real drinks," Eliot laughed into his beer.

"Says the weird ass girl drinking cotton candy. I know where all y'all live and how to make it look like a little random accident happened with your financials," Hardison's wide eyes were directed at Eliot who was instead watching the girl on stage in a red corset and matching satin ruffle skirt that barely covered anything, much less the black sequin boyshorts peeking out from underneath over fishnet stockings. "Crank It Up" by Ashley Tisdale wasn't quite the song the hitter would have picked for the act, but it worked with desired effect so no reason to complain.

"Ooh, I'm scared!" responding in mock terror.

Parker was mesmerized by the same dancer, who was manipulating a flaming hula hoop around her neck.

"That's hot…" she breathed to no one in particular.

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Somewhere in between dances, with Eliot on his third beer, Hardison working on his second blue drink, and Parker on her third cotton candy concoction, their waitress whom Parker had seen Eliot flirting with when they arrived appeared and leaned her head in between the thief and hacker to whisper in her ear, "A little something from your husband."

Hardison wasn't quite sure he heard right, looking back and forth between Parker and Eliot, who had slid his chair around for a better view. "You didn't say…"

He was cut off by Eliot hissing loudly, "Shh!"

As the girl straddled the chair over Parker's lap, squirming inches above her, the thief's gaze was not missed as it flashed from the dancer's cleavage to Eliot whose blue eyes darkened a few shades behind his glasses, and back again. Hardison was just hypnotized by the show and it was nice to not hear him for a few minutes at least. Her own skirt seemed to be several inches shorter, but maybe that was her imagination. With a soft peck on her lips, the waitress stood and was gone, leaving Parker to catch her breath.

"Um...nice… Time to go home," in a heady whisper. Out of the corner of her eye, she had seen them both fidgeting, adjusting themselves in the tight confines of their jeans.

The brewpub was still open late for the Saturday night holiday, as they pushed each other out of the cab and stumbled up the stairs, ignoring the confused looks of select random newcomers.

In the afterglow, limbs and bodies were tangled. Chocolate, caramel, and vanilla – all her favorite flavors. Eliot's teeth marks on her shoulder would be bruising rather noticeably tomorrow. Silly boys didn't realize she could slide her wrists out of zip ties as well, since handcuffs and scarves didn't work.

What happens in Portland, stays in Portland. For a few weeks anyway.

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Looking around the conference room, Nate stopped midsentence. "Where's Parker?" He was impatient to start the briefing and he had done them without her in the past under rare circumstances.

Eliot, Sophie, and Hardison exchanged glances, wondering the same thing. Finally, the hacker pushed himself up out of the chair with hands on the table, "I'll go find her," muttering under his breath about having to do everyone else's dirty work again on his way out. There were only a limited number of places she could be. A quick scan of the ceiling turned up no harnesses dangling, at least for the time being. The air ducts were just small enough that she had complained once about not fitting inside.

Knocking on the bathroom door down the hall, where he heard a faint sigh, "Hey girl, you cool? You been in there over an hour."

The knob clicked unlocked and he peeked his head inside. Parker had hoisted herself onto the wide granite countertop on the other side of the sink.

"Close the door behind you if you're coming in."

He decided that in this state, which didn't look good, he wouldn't bother mentioning Nate or the meeting postponed for her. He also had learned the hard way not to force her to open up since that usually meant her shutting down instead.

After a pause, pointing randomly at the other side of the sink to a pile of something he didn't even notice upon walking in, "Take your pick."

"What?" Upon closer inspection, wiping his hand over his face, he saw what it was. "Oh!" A haphazard pile of countless white sticks with varying lines, dots and text stared up at him.

"Yeah and they all say the same thing. Just to make sure, you know?" Since that was the average number of tests someone would buy at any given time, not. Something that sounded like a strangled sob escaped her lips, but he was probably hearing things.

"Yeah, good idea." his voice trailing off to a whisper. Rubbing her thighs reassuringly before enveloping her in a hug, "It's cool, mama. You'll be fine. Don't have to mention anything till you're ready."

Parker had been willing herself to maintain calm composure but the tears she blinked back were winning, staining his shirt, as her ragged breath turned to soft hiccups. She was feeling a bit silly, breaking down over this when she kept a straight face despite the danger they encountered any given day with ease. "Maybe Sparky'll have a reason to stick around now," muttering more to reassure herself than anyone else. She ignored Hardison's confused look, jumping down off the counter, pressed into his body. "Come on. Nate hates to wait all day." Rolling her eyes, she was already several feet down the hall before he caught up to her. He never knew whether to be amused or annoyed by her psychic moments.

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Swiveling in the chair in the back of Lucille on stakeout, Parker ravenously ate the takeout box of garlic chicken in front of her, while Hardison was typing away, watching the screens with him.

"After that fiasco with the dagger, we met up in Asia on another job and got married on a whim in Thailand. A year after that, I didn't hear from him at all until we were hired by Dubenich."

That did explain a lot, especially considering their interactions and various comments from Eliot to and about her. But it still left more unanswered that probably wasn't any of his business. "Crazy times. And you're still married after all that." It wasn't a question.

"I guess we are. You gonna eat that?" she pointed at the last untouched egg roll that he eagerly pushed toward her.

"So that makes you…" He didn't have to count on his fingers but it was amusing to watch when he chose to.

"Twenty four this summer, and Eliot is thirty five. His mom didn't approve of the age difference, but she has her own issues."

Glancing up at her, "Damn, girl. I know you're a legend and all but damn…"

Parker wiped her greasy fingers on her pants before donning the auburn wig and glasses for her disguise, having already burned one identity in the con. She flipped the switch of her ear bud to the on position and slammed the back door of Lucille on her way out.

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Sitting around a table in the pub after the heist, Sophie stood up, gabbing her coat and purse from the chair back. "If you boys will excuse us, Parker and I are going shopping for the baby. Nate choked on his drink and Eliot just gave her that unnerving stare, with a brief sparkle in his eye that anyone else would have missed, and his lips twitching into a smile. The look of fear on Parker's face reserved for Sophie's shopping trips turned into a glare that zoned in on Hardison. His bug eyes and waving hands weren't going to get him out of this one.

"I swear, mama. I never said nothing to no one."

Her arm linked in Sophie's, who was happily chattering away about something she wasn't paying any attention to, as they left, her glare was directed at the men who just waved at her.

In his file of memories that he never wanted to revisit, Eliot recalled clear as day the time when his younger sister was forced to tell Daddy about being knocked up. He knew as well as anyone that naïve kids in the backwoods of Tennessee where they lived, or anywhere really, didn't know any better. Especially when adults wouldn't give them the time of day. He could see the fresh welts on her backside that made her unable to sit for a month, and hear her screams, before she was quietly shipped off to some distant relative in Oklahoma. Eliot didn't know whether to hate Daddy more for pretending to be a perfect father to his litter of kids every Sunday in church, or Mama for letting him get away with it and every other abuse toward them. But that's what happens when people want to live in their bubbles like the Cleavers. Good thing he left town when he did or he would have killed the old man himself long before the collapsed coal mine did the job. No way in hell would he ever do anything like that to Parker.

Their dysfunctional family of thieves was hardly the environment to raise a kid in, but considering the alternatives, they'd find a way to make it work. That sure as hell didn't mean any of them were ready for the task, but who ever is?

"Congratulations!" Nate lifted a refilled glass, clinking the others. He could barely wrap his head around whatever it was that he and Sophie were doing. So the mysterious thing that their kids had going on was enough to make his brain hurt, if not send him to an early grave.


	4. Chapter 4

Eliot felt like he was assaulted by a freight train. He was hoping to be able to sleep at least a day, although his demons rarely allowed that. He was grumpy and just wanted to be home instead of enduring a three hour layover at Los Angeles International. While stretching his legs, he tried to find some way to not go stir crazy. The burger and fries from one of the fast food counters was slightly more filling than the mystery meal he was served on the plane, and he didn't want to wait until Portland for supper.

Before he could stop himself, he was inside the Butter London nail salon, picking out colors. For Parker, it's all metallics in her favorite colors: black, hunter green, and silver. The twenty something sales girl was wearing way too much black eye shadow and her accent was not convincing at all. In fact, it was one of the worst Eliza Doolittle impressions he's heard anywhere. Shoving his wallet into his jeans, one of the countless few that the thief hadn't lifted because she could, he glared at her for being generally annoying.

In the parking garage, he located his beat up truck, placing his suitcase in the bed. As he reached into the pocket of his soft leather jacket to retrieve his keys, his knuckles brushed against a piece of paper that he quickly pulled out. He wondered how long it had been there, since he hadn't noticed it at all before. Unfolding the square, Eliot felt like he was prying into someone else's secrets. He recognized Parker's handwriting immediately.

"Dear Santa," it was all he could do to keep from rolling his eyes. "Eliot says I'm way too old to believe in you. He's right about a lot of things, but not that. In case you're wondering, we're at the Bridgeport Brewery in Portland, which is probably easier to find than another abandoned warehouse that's up next on the list to be condemned. The air ducts are tiny even for me, so good luck fitting in them. It's been nice having a real family these last few years and Eliot coming back. Thank you for that. I don't really need anything this year but I have been a good girl. I haven't stolen anything except to help people (and those M&Ms were for the baby so it wasn't totally stealing and the doctor said to indulge in chocolate, despite what the boys say)." Eliot raised a brow. "It'd be nice to see my sister if she's still around, if she even knows me anymore. But that's probably not something you can pull out of your magic bag, just like that kitten I wanted when I was seven. Never mentioned it to Eliot since he wouldn't go for that type of thing, so don't tell him. I will make sure he bakes those pumpkin bars that you like. He's an amazing cook. I'll be waiting for you on Christmas eve as usual. Katie Spencer"

He folded the letter and put it back in his pocket. In the quiet of the garage, he started to hear faint mewling. Turning around, he noticed the cardboard box by the elevator and went to investigate, scared to know what he might find. Peering inside, there was a litter of newborn kittens in different shades, mostly black with a couple white thrown in for good measure. All but two had been victims of the elements, one black and one white, eyes barely starting to open. Eliot gingerly picked up the two survivors and held them to his chest, where they attempted to burrow inside his jacket for warmth. "You'll be a nice surprise for Mama," he told them. Inside the truck, he set them both down in the passenger seat before turning on the heater. Much as he wanted to get home, Eliot made a quick stop at the grocery store for kitten formula and other essentials.

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He was still longing for a cold beer and a soft bed, as he opened the door. What he saw could only be described as the Macy's Christmas store exploding into the loft. Amazing what could happen when one goes overseas for a week and a half on a job while the kids are left alone to their own devices. His first clue should have been the decorated door that most people never even knew was there. From the kitchen, Eliot shook his head at the tv as he was getting milk for the kittens who were climbing out of the zipped jacket onto the counter. Not many places you could watch 80 inches of Chevy Chase being attacked by a rodent flying out of a Christmas tree. It was cute how gaga Parker was over the holidays, even if she did go a bit overboard with the whole thing, but he sure as hell would never admit any such thing to anyone.

Removing the cap off the beer bottle he had pulled from the fridge, Eliot sank into the couch, leaning his head back into the overstuffed cushions, closing his eyes. That made Hardison scoot over toward Parker to avoid being squashed, as he was also wiring the last chunk of funds into the client's account. Scrubbing video footage would wait for the next day. A scalding hot bath for his aching body was still inviting, but he wasn't ready to move. Maybe later. A delighted squeal jarred both men, as Eliot winced. "Parker. Hush." Sleep was definitely a lost cause with this noise, reaching down to remove the kitten who was hanging on for dear life to his jeans leg.

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A couple days before Christmas, Eliot was in the middle of teaching late afternoon self defense classes at the local women's shelter when his phone started ringing nonstop. Damn Star Trek music no less. He was going to have words with Hardison. Eliot ignored the phone as long as he could, which really wasn't very long. He finally left the group to practice their moves, marching over to the edge of the gymnasium to pick up the offending phone, keeping his temper in check.

"What do you want? I'm kinda busy here," he said through clenched teeth in a hushed tone.

Eliot could hear Parker crying softly in the background. He hated it when she cried since he couldn't fix the problem.

"Girl's ready to pop any minute. How soon can you get to the hospital?"

He rolled his eyes at the panic in Hardison's voice and glanced at his watch. "I could get there in two hours but they'll send her home before then. They always do with the first."

"Man, I don't even want to know how you know that."

"Oldest of six."

"Whatever, just hurry."

When he arrived, he didn't need to locate a room number since he could hear her down the hall, arguing with the nurses.

"I will get on that bed when I am damn good and ready!"

"Parker, calm down. Please? They're just trying to do their jobs." Hardison was trying to be the voice of reason but not getting too far. The nurses already didn't care for the fact that she had refused medication, which they were not going to further force onto her, but they also strongly implied that the couple was in their way while walking the halls to speed up her labor.

Parker pursed her lips but was still angry. Hardison visibly relaxed upon seeing Eliot slip inside the room.

"Is there a problem?" Eliot inquired of the nursing staff.

The one who appeared to be in charge matched his steely gaze. "No there isn't. Miss Hagen here is refusing to cooperate and we are concerned for her safety."

Taking note of the looks that could kill behind the woman, he told her "She's generally uncooperative with authority figures. You learn to deal with it." And this is another reason why he hated hospitals. "If she doesn't want to be in the bed, she doesn't have to. It'd be in your best interest to keep her as comfortable as she can be, ma'am."

The nurse looked back toward Parker, who had quickly changed her evil glare to a deranged grin, before taking her leave. With Parker hissing through her contractions while sitting upright in the bed a few hours afterward following several more walks down the hall, Eliot wondered if his fingers would fall off soon from how tightly she was holding them to the point where he had nearly lost all feeling in his hand. A final grunt and push and the baby was out, as the doctor commented that it was one of the quickest first time deliveries he had performed, with only five hours of straining, considering that she had stayed at home until the worst had hit.

She picked at her lunch that was presented to her. Sniffing the sandwich suspiciously and tossing it aside, Parker ignored the annoyed eye rolls in her direction, before diving into the small cup of macaroni and cheese.

"You know what, sweetheart? We'll stop at Popeye's on the way home since I am not up for cooking. Got enough of that to do tomorrow morning."

"Say what? I thought Parker had to stay overnight?"

"No, they're discharging her in awhile to make room for women paying anesthesia bills. Not to mention, you'd have to hogtie her to get her to stay here that long anyway."

Yet another c.n.a. had come in to dispose of the lunch tray and keep an eye on Parker in the shower afterward. The thief had protested but agreed to cooperate when threatened with the alternative of another charge nurse coming in to lay down the law.

With Parker out of the room, Eliot leaned toward Hardison who was flipping through a magazine, not actually reading any of it. "Did you locate the sister?"

"Yeah man. Not much to work with but I did find something interesting. Name's Penny and she's a hacker for the FBI in Quantico, Virginia. Still trying to figure that one out. Contacted her yesterday and she agreed to fly in to meet Parker, so that makes two more for dinner tomorrow."

That would make for an intriguing, and potentially awkward, situation.

"Hardison, been thinking and I like the name but I can't quite see her as Scarlett Natasha." Parker shooed the nursing assistant out of her way, dressed to head home as she emerged from the bathroom.

Eliot raised a brow and scrunched his face. "Seriously?" The hacker just shrugged in response as the thief started filling out the discharge papers and the birth certificate, before handing the latter to Eliot to sign. Under his breath so only Hardison could hear, he added, "Can't be worse than this," reading Winter Holly Spencer on the form.

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Normally one to stay up late and be the last up in the morning, Parker had fallen asleep the previous early evening on the couch within minutes of the opening of A Charlie Brown Christmas that they decided to watch. Stretching in the bed, she could smell the turkey cooking in the kitchen that Eliot must have started last night sometime. With a wide grin, she opened her eyes and rolled over to poke him where he was sandwiched between her and Hardison.

"It's Christmas. Time to wake up."

Eliot grunted and lifted his head, squinting one eye at the bedside clock. "It is six in the fucking morning, Parker. Go back to sleep." He shifted, turning away from her. Unbeknownst to Parker, both men had played Santa until the wee hours, stuffing gifts under the tree and making the rounds in town to some less fortunate.

Unable and unwilling to fall back asleep, she wrapped the fleece robe around her and settled in on the couch with the baby, remote in hand and volume low to not disturb anyone, after making sure the kittens were fed and watered. Parker might have a reputation for being loud and crazy, but for right now at least, nothing anywhere could make her happier than this quiet peaceful moment.


	5. Chapter 5

While sorting through packages of meat for the perfect cuts of rib eye, or as close as he could find, Eliot saw a flash of red fabric land on the toe of his boot from the corner of his eye.

"Princess, why you gotta keep doing that?" Hardison whined behind him.

Bending to pick up the shirt, the hitter turned to glare at the girl sitting in the cart. All of five years old with dishwater blonde curls and blue eyes, she returned his stare before dissolving into a fit of giggles. Winter also probably didn't need to have the extra sugar rush from her strawberry cream soda from the espresso counter. She couldn't be more Parker's kid if she tried.

"Y'all are weird," the hacker turned around, pretending to not know either of them. Thank all that was holy he had a plane to catch in a couple hours headed to Los Angeles for the weekend for a sci-fi convention.

Tossing the steaks in hand into the cart, Eliot forced the top back onto Winter as quickly as possible. "Not saying this again: no more stripping when we leave the house!" He never got mad at her, just exasperated, and didn't understand why they never got calls about her doing this at school, so she apparently only did it to annoy her parents who hoped she outgrew the phase soon. Instead, calls from school were generally about awkward conversations she initiated regarding unusual family dynamics and things of that nature. Eliot had spent the better part of an hour the previous week explaining to the young teacher that no, his wife was not a pickpocket (world's best actually and he knew all about the stash of his wallets and passports she'd stolen "to keep her skills up to par") nor did she have two husbands, and that it was all just an overactive imagination.

"You better behave for Amber this weekend." Their prior nanny had left for college a few months ago so they were in the process of breaking in the new one.

At the checkout, Eliot couldn't help rolling his eyes at the cashier who gingerly picked up the swimsuit calendar among the groceries with a thumb and forefinger as though it would bite her. Yeah, that camping trip at the beach couldn't start fast enough. Atypical choice for an anniversary outing, but Parker was hardly an ordinary girl which anyone could tell with a single glance, and it had been her specific request.

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With the truck already packed and ready to go, Parker was reviewing instructions last minute. "Bedtime is at seven. If you just need anything, call Nate or Sophie."

"Who?"

"Grandparents. Numbers are on the fridge. That should be everything."

Looking up from her Cars coloring book at the dining table, "Bye Mommy."

% % %

They arrived at Cannon Beach about a half hour before the sun started to set. At the state park, the camping spot they had was wooded enough to provide seclusion from their neighbors, with a wide open view of the beach. Settling in for the evening, they shared steaks with seasoned potatoes grilled over the campfire for supper. Parker's eyes lit up when she saw the chocolate bars for the s'mores, but had enough patience and self-control to keep from ravaging them.

Parker loved camping as much as the next person, but she wasn't up for sleeping on the ground or putting a tent together. Which is why Eliot had put a mattress in the truck bed with flannel sheets and plenty of pillows. It was early November after all, before the winter rain started. In the darkness, the sky was glittered in stars that they never saw in the city. It was beautiful but didn't have quite the same magnificence as the Festival of Lights in Phuket with the millions of floating lanterns.

Suddenly bored with the light display, no matter how pretty it was, Parker rolled over to straddle Eliot's hips. Tugging at his shirts, "Too many clothes."

With a smirk as he slid his hands down her thighs to rest on the crook of her knees, "Do it something about it."

Leaning down to kiss him, her body pressed into his, Parker felt Eliot's finger's tangling in her hair, pulling her head back to expose her throat. He nipped and licked a trail from her ear, down her jaw line to her collarbone, making her shiver and her breath catch.

% % %

Sunday evening, walking into the apartment, they found Amber curled up on the couch with a book to pass the time. Hardison's flight wouldn't be in for another hour.

"How did everything go?" Eliot asked, twisting the cap off his beer as he sat in the overstuffed chair.

"Um…" A raised brow and gesture to continue should have made her more nervous but had the opposite effect. "Fine other than the trip to the doctor. Not sure what Sophie did but it was some kind of magic so they'd see us since Winter has chickenpox."

"Oh shiny tomato!" they both heard Parker from the bedroom where she had gone to check on the sleeping girl.

"So she's had plenty of Calamine and baking soda baths, and I've tried to keep her occupied so she doesn't scratch them. Also they said to keep popsicles on hand if any show up in her mouth and to keep her hydrated. They also wrote a note to keep her out of school for at least two weeks, just to be safe."

Pinching the bridge of his nose, "Make yourself at home then," as he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket to call the local Chinese restaurant for takeout. A day of baking tomorrow sounded like a good plan, unless Nate had a con lined up for them.

% % %

Toward the end of the quarantine, Parker was forced awake by a little body crawling on top of her.

"What's wrong?" she asked sleepily.

A timid stage whisper answered from behind her where Winter wedged herself between her parents, "Monsters in the closet."

They hadn't dealt with that one yet, considering that she was really good about sleeping in her own bed compared to some kids Parker had heard about. "Daddy can make pancakes in the morning. That'll get rid of the monsters."

Turning to see if Winter was still awake as the thief was overtaken by a yawn, soft snoring was the response she got. Eliot's pancakes made everything better.


	6. Chapter 6

This is a requested continuation of Christmas chapter.

With the sound low on the tv, Parker was flipping through the channels for something interesting to watch before settling on a History Channel documentary, with a sleeping baby in her lap. She heard Eliot puttering around in the kitchen, getting dinner ready she presumed. Hardison was on his laptop next to her, doing a quick run-through of the holiday quests in World of Warcraft before joining the rest of the real world. A few minutes later, Eliot appeared beside her.

Kissing the top of her head, "Merry Christmas darlin'. I'll take her so you can eat breakfast." On the plate he handed her were sausage patties and a short stack of cake batter pancakes with homemade whipped cream. So much better than the stuff in the can. There was a mug of hot cocoa sitting on the end table that she missed him setting down.

Parker rinsed the plate in the sink and cornered Eliot in the kitchen where he was fixing a cup of tea, bouncing on her toes. "Can we open presents now?"

"Of course. Lead the way."

The boys got her several boxes of different kinds of chocolate, both candy and for drinking. She also received a bundle of crisp bills. The one specifically from Eliot intrigued her considering the size. Unwrapping the outer box, there was a velvet box inside that she carefully opened, watching him watching her. She had a mix of reactions. Eyes wide in excitement at the sparkly, then narrowed in mild confusion.

He took the ring out of the box in her hand and slid it on her finger, before brushing her knuckles against his lips in the way that made her feel like a teenager again. "'Bout time you had a proper ring of your own" as she held out her hand, admiring the trio of princess-cut diamonds that were mounted on a platinum filigree band.

For Hardison, she had found a Tardis mini fridge that he'd likely get good use out of, as well as a set of circuit board cufflinks. Turning to Eliot, "Yours was too big to wrap but it's on the roof."

He furrowed his brows at her. "What did you do, Parker?"

"Go look and then you can growl over it if you decide you don't like it."

Not quite trusting her for some reason, he decided to check it out, hoping it wasn't an explosive device or triggered to one. But she wouldn't do that. As he opened the door leading to the rooftop of the brewery, Eliot stopped in his tracks. There was a large greenhouse with various plants a few feet away, along with rain buckets to control the water expenses and take advantage of the Oregon weather. That was something he'd missed since the move from Boston so it was much appreciated.

Nate and Sophie arrived just before 1pm per Eliot's request. Right behind them in the hallway were surprise guests. Parker had answered the door, giving Nate and Sophie hugs as they walked in. She wasn't quite sure what to say to the other couple. The woman was plump and petite, with huge platinum blonde curls with the ends dyed cherry red and green, and red framed glasses. The man behind her was taller and slender with dark skin and appeared to be on edge contrasted by her nervous excitement. "Penny? What are you doing here?" Parker asked, not sure what was going on at all. Guess there was a Santa after all, since there wasn't any other explanation for this. While she vaguely remembered writing a letter to Santa recently and slipping it in Eliot's pocket, she didn't recall exactly what she asked for. But she had wanted to reconnect with her biological relatives from her distant childhood before everything had gone to hell, wherever they might be now. How Santa or whoever attempted this, she was too shocked to ask.

"Katie! It's been way too long without any word from you but that's what the foster system is good at: breaking families apart. Enough of that. What's my long-lost little sister up to these days?" stepping into the apartment to hug her.

"Um, I help manage the restaurant downstairs. The boys own the place." She wasn't about to get into discussing illicit activities with anyone, no matter who they were.

"Your boyfriend tracked me down. For a hacker, he's quite good." The thief turned around to raise a brow at Hardison, who was distracted by a conversation with Nate and didn't see her_. If only you knew, darling, _she mused to herself_. _"This is Derek Morgan. I work with him at the FBI." Parker's eyes widened for a split second in panic, as smiled at both of them and gestured them inside.

After dinner, Parker grabbed Sophie by the arm, dragging her off to the nursery, waving Penny to follow her. From the corner of her eye, the grifter gaped at the sight. Each of the parents had contributed something that reflected a bit of them, even if it was a home decorator's worst nightmare. There was the set of posters on the wall from Hardison. The Avengers movie, Cars, and even a Kenneth Crane advertisement for the Oregon State Fair, which had to be a Photoshop creation since Sophie had no recollection of Eliot going there at any time for that reason, nor had he sung at all to her knowledge since that one studio job. The white glitter wallpaper was all Parker and the only thing girly in the room.

"Eliot made the crib and when she gets older, the one side is removable to make a regular bed." The bed was made with large logs for a rustic country look with a Native American dream catcher hanging from the ceiling and a camping lantern on the nightstand.

Sophie was impressed. She'd had her doubts at the beginning but was won over quickly enough.

After everyone had left for the evening, Parker changed into her pajamas and joined the boys on the couch where they were starting a football game that had been recorded earlier in the day. She had no interest at all in it but enjoyed the company and the familiar background noise. At the far end of the sofa, she was distracted by the way the glow of the Christmas tree lights sparkled on her new diamonds, while taking a bite of creamsicle pie slice on her lap. Feigning interest in the game on tv for a moment, her eyes started to water, realizing she was blinking back tears that threatened to fall. Eliot glanced over, hearing faint sniffles, which is when he noticed Parker plaster on a fake smile with a blank stare. He turned his attention from the game to her.

"Parker?"

"It's nothing."

He didn't believe her. "Woman says 'nothing', you better believe everything's gone to hell in a handbasket," Hardison quipped.

Eliot took the barely touched dessert plate out of Parker's hand and set it on the coffee table by their beers and plates of half-eaten leftovers. Taking her wrist in his hand, he gently guided her onto his lap to face him, one hand draped over her legs and the other around her waist. "Hey pretty girl, what's going on?" he asked softly, brushing a thumb over her cheek below where her black eyeliner was the beginning of a wet smudged mess.

She stared at him for awhile, not saying anything as she chewed her bottom lip. Weighing the words in her head before she spoke. "You wanted a boy and you didn't get one."

Eliot had no idea what she was talking about and his confused scowl made her continue before he started yelling. "I heard you on the comms telling Hardison and Nate and all those soccer moms how much you wanted your little fantasy son to do boy stuff with."

"That was a grift, sweetie."

"I know what grifting is," Parker snapped at him. "Doesn't make it hurt less to hear when you can't change the sonogram on the fridge or the baby inside you."

"Told people not to mess around with those voodoo dolls but does anyone listen? Hell no."

Growling at the hacker while not taking his eyes off of Parker, "Shut up, Hardison! Not helping." To her, he added, "You been holding onto that for two weeks?"

She nodded without a word, wiping her face with the back of her hand.

"Darlin', every guy wants a son at some point. It's how we're programmed. But our daughter is perfect the way she is and I wouldn't trade her for all the boys in the world. No reason she can't learn fishing and other stuff. You trust me, don't you?"

"Yes." Her response was so soft they barely heard her, just watching her lips move as she leaned in to hug Eliot tight.

"He's right, mama. What you didn't hear was him talking about how excited he was and that he won't let her date till she's 25, none of this getting married at 16 stuff…" Parker laughed. "So it's gonna be a'ight."

"Yeah it will. Thank you both for the best Christmas ever."

With that, she smiled as she leaned over to pick up her pie to finish while they continued watching the game, Eliot pressing a kiss to the corner of her mouth.


	7. Chapter 7

"If you keep putting that thing in your mouth, I won't be held responsible for my actions." From the bar, Hardison jumped at the familiar growling behind him. Turning his attention from the pitcher of beer he was filling, his eyes widened at being startled before giving the older man a brassy wink and grin around the obscenely blue blow pop that was stuffed into his cheek. The idea of being shoved up against the brick wall in the smokers' alley where anyone could see them gave him a thrill but they were shorthanded as it was so that would have to wait for another time.

The hitter rolled his eyes and went back to cooking for the large crowd, stealing away occasionally to catch glimpses of the game on the big screen tvs. With it being Superbowl Sunday, they were a bit surprised that the brewpub was packed to near standing-room only. It didn't help, however, that a third of their staff was home sick with colds that were going around. Even Parker was helping out in the pub, between waitressing and resolving random customer issues, which scared a few of the new folks with her general off-the-wall personality. She was almost, but not quite, too busy to pick pockets and swap wallets with other customers without any of them noticing.

Eliot told her to settle down before sending her out of the kitchen, while Hardison did his best to ease Parker's mind and antsy bouncing around. ""She's fine, mama. Just relax. Here's a video feed if it makes you feel better," he tapped a button on the ipad sitting on the bar which opened up a camera's view of the apartment upstairs, where the new nanny Erin was on the couch reading to the baby in her lap.

Eliot couldn't sleep and stared at the ceiling, watching planes fly in and out of the nearby airport through the large skylight over the bed. Even the soothing pitter-patter of drizzle didn't help. Most nights he could go a handful of hours with no problem, but not tonight. Maybe he needed a new prescription for sleeping pills since the one he picked up the week before didn't seem to be working anymore. The previous night, he was stuck in a nightmare that he couldn't wake from. . He was just about to get up and wander into the living room when he hear faint cries from the nursery growing louder and Parker rolling over toward him.

"Your turn," she murmured sleepily into his shoulder. Her bare breasts pinned his arm down, surprising strength in her small frame, and her silky ruffle panties that she almost never wore only served to tickle his hip, something that generally wouldn't bother him but now he just found to be annoying. The bed was big enough that they could, theoretically, easily fit several more people, but Parker gravitated to lay on top of both men at some point during the night, which defeated the purpose in his mind.

Crawling out from under her, Eliot found his boxers on the floor and went to see what Winter was fussing about. He flipped on the crib side lantern which gave a soft glow to the room, being the only light on in the loft. Picking her up, "What's wrong, cupcake?" After a diaper change and swaddled again in a lime green flannel blanket, she was still screaming. He offered her his pinky to tell if she was hungry, but she wasn't having any of that as he carried her into the kitchen. He pulled a bottle out of the fridge anyway in case she changed her mind.

"Y'know darlin', I don't have any idea what you want and you don't have any way to tell me, do you?"

Eliot was racking his brain trying to figure out how to soothe her, as her preferences changed daily, and even from one parent to another. Dancing in the living room didn't interest her in the least tonight, though she normally enjoyed it, as Eliot decided to sing to her. His mind froze briefly as he realized he didn't know a single lullaby and went with the first song that popped into his head, appropriate or not, that he had written a few years prior, softer than the song intended.

"...'Round eleven o'clock when the front door locks and the boys start raisin' the bottles, the girls do the thing with the Mardi Gras beads, you know they're gonna show 'em if they got 'em..."

She calmed down for a moment, mesmerized by his voice, before whimpering. At least it wasn't the inconsolable screaming from earlier.

Then he remembered reading something about white noise and vibrations of the washing machine. If it worked to give a woman an orgasm, it sure as hell better work to calm a crying baby. Only as a very last resort would he put her in the truck for a drive around town. He hadn't made that attempt yet and hoped he wouldn't have to for awhile. Making short time of filling the washer with one load of laundry (the rest could wait for later), Eliot settled her into a bouncing seat that he placed on top of the closed lid as he turned the machine on. To his relief, the steady vibrations did the trick and Winter finally started to nod off, at the same time Eliot was fighting a yawn of his own. The next morning, Parker and Hardison found both of them on the couch asleep, Eliot protectively holding his girl to his chest so she wouldn't roll off, as the thief sat down in the chair opposite with a bowl of cereal before meeting with a client later in the morning.

For the first two weeks, Parker was content to be left alone, getting settled into the new routine, while the boys entertained themselves. By the third week, she was pawing at both of them, tired of just watching them and wanting to join in. Six weeks in, she was stir-crazy.

Much as she enjoys sleepy morning sex, her favorite is getting it rough. Parker doesn't waste her time with safe words. She doesn't recall the last time she used one with Eliot since they both know they don't work. Hardison is convinced neither of them even cares, if that episode in Nebraska with Sophie and Eliot watching him get attacked by Parker is anything to go by. He'll watch the train wreck and enjoy the show, but that's their game to play. She knows what Eliot is capable of even if he refuses to volunteer specific details, yet trusts him completely. They've barely walked through the door after having dinner downstairs – Eliot had planned the Valentine's Day menu for the pub but took the night off otherwise – before she's trying to rip his clothes off, causing Hardison to stutter at the scene as Erin blushes and makes her exit as quickly and quietly as possible.

Parker's tongue swirls over the calloused pad of his thumb between her teeth as Eliot's other hand is wrapped around her throat, expertly squeezing and releasing as her breaths became quick and shallow. The blood choke hold he engages with her is relatively much safer than cutting off her airway and damaging delicate bones.

So heightened is the euphoria that washes over her that she only lasts a few minutes, a hoarse gasp escapes her as she twists the silk sheet in her fists. Eliot removes his hand from its vice grip, kissing the tip of her nose before pressing his forehead to hers, as they both catch their breaths.

"My pussy, all mine," in his trademark gravelly voice.

Hardison can't help but burst out laughing at the irony of the two kittens perched on the pillows to watch them. Eliot growls in response and Parker giggles just because, giddy as she is still floating in her high. He wouldn't want them any other way than their normal.


End file.
